I probably should have written this during late 2010 or during the first week of 2011, but I was trying to come up with a 75th entry related to the PROJECT. Oh wells.
2010 was probably one of the worse years of my life. No, scratch that- it WAS the worst year of my life. There was crap to be dealt with --personal crap, no less-- each and every month. See for yourself.
JANUARY: Things were hectic enough with the Haiti dilemma when I started getting stomach cramps, similar to the ones I had in January 2009 before I spent Martin Luther King, Jr's day in the emergency room. Come January 28, and one of the English teachers at my school passes away. I remember arriving at school and seeing one of my friends cry. I had never seen him cry before; he had an odd way of doing so. Almost reminded me of myself. He laughed as he cried; I tend to laugh myself into a sobbing fit when I'm extremely nervous. I spent the morning watching a bunch of students I knew crying in the teacher's old classroom. Couldn't help but tear up over it. After that, a wave of melancholy seemed to wash over the entire school, one that lasted even after my gradutaion in May.
FEBRUARY: Fairly boring month. Jahze also asked me to play psychologist for him. Poor dude was depressed and such. Half of the month was also very... lonely. And before I go any further, I'm talking about the second half of the month; the one that starts AFTER Valentine's. Before the month was over, my mother's grandmother (also my brother's baptism godmother) died. Doctors had said the poor woman shouldn't have lasted these many years, and the last few times Mom saw her, her mind was practically kaput. She just stared at the ceiling and laid still on the couch. Had to be fed, bathed and all that stuff.
MARCH: I start failing my Calculus class. Relationships with friends and a certain person seem to be failing. I try my best to do something about it, but ultimately, it's nothing I can solve alone, so I decide to try to do everything in my power and see if they care enough to help me make it work. If not, I started considering the fact nature would have its course sooner or later. I then find out that I forgot to send some documents out and was well over the end date for signing up for College. Dad gave me hell for the remainder of the month and the rest of the year until Summer finalized. I was also running late to get a passport.
APRIL: Well, at this point, all my relationship problems were solved. Some worked out; others didn't. Sadly the most important one didn't either. The rest of the month was just a depressing fit. I also had to get some things finished for high school before graduation or risk getting in trouble with a couple of people. Get some documents, go to places, go arrange loose ends here and there. And Jahze wasn't getting any better.
MAY: An aura of melancholy seemed to chase me everywhere. I suppose there are things I take too to heart, things I probably never get over. I decide to reason with myself, but with graduation on its way, College looking at me square in the face, Calculus on the line, the passport to order, and still a couple of tweaks to fix in relation to a few friendships, I couldn't help a lot of feelings. Graduation came and went quicker than I would have wanted and when the ceremony was over, I decided to just stay home. Could have called some friends and organized something. I mean hell, for our ninth grade graduation my cousin oragnized a group that easily went over thirty people and we all went to watch Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End on its premiere day (which just so happened to coincide with that specific graduation). But I was too emotionally drained to do anything at all.
JUNE: Wished I could have enjoyed it but not really. The most exciting part of it was prom, and it was extremely boring. I almost ended up playing third wheel for my cousins and then for my friend. Ultimately, I found myself at a lone table a couple of times and in the end, I simply called Dad an hour and a half before the event was over to come pick me up. Guy took two hours to arrive, though. Got lost more times than he bothered telling me about; and the place wasn't that difficult to find in the first place but I digress. After much mayhem for the rest of the month, I finally got my passport before July. Guess something good came out of that. But now my parents were at it with each other for whatever reaosn.
JULY: Spent a week early in July over at Canada. I was hoping this would perk me up. It only succeeded halfway. Talking to a friend on the night I was leaving, a little something got brought up. I managed to convince my friend not to give me any further details on the situation, but simply knowing about it robbed me of my peace of mind. First time on an airplane, I was so damn tired and it was pretty damn uncomfortable, I almost went crazy there. Barely slept at all. We arrived at the States to take another plane to Canada. It felt odd to be in a crowd of people who only spoke English. Being as shy as I can tend to be amongst strangers, I found myself unable to communicate. Every word I tried to talk came out stuttered. I was tired, nerve-wrecked and it had been years since I had spoken in English for real. I knew the words; I knew the pronunciation. But I lacked the voice, and quite possibly the accent, to keep others from looking at me as another lost tourist. At first, I took a grip on me and decided to only speak English if I had to direct myself to personnel and such. Until then, I would just go with what I've known to speak since I was little. Overall, I enjoyed the trip. It was good. A lot of great places. But during that week, Jahze's frustration build up and finally he snapped. At everyone, including me. After those episodes, it became difficult for me to enjoy most of my time around him. I wasn't angry at him for yelling at me, but because he had to take out his anger on our friends in such an injustified manner. After I came back home, everything was same old, same old. So I just decided to get ready for College.
AUGUST: The first day of August was awful. I learned about things that just made me angry. I swear I had never felt so angry before in my life, or at least, I don't remember having so. The next day, my 18th birthday, I decided should be fun. It was for the most part, and I have a lot of members here on IWBTF to thank for that. But the night didn't greet me too cordially. College began some time later, and I felt out of place and just plain bored. I got together with Jahze and another friend of ours for lunch. Seeing how they actually looked for me and invited me let me know bygones were finally bygones. Or at least I hoped something to that avail. Near the end of the month however, I got word that the dearly beloved mother of a great friend of mine commited suicide. That left a huge knot in my throat. I wanted to contact her, but what could I say? "I'm sorry your best friend and one of the biggest loves of your life killed herself"? Even if I tried shortening it to "I'm sorry your mom killed herself"... it didn't seem all that right. I tried looking for her at campus, but I never saw her. I wondered even if she dropped out. Meanwhile, I just kept trying to come up with something I could say to her if I ever saw her again.
SEPTEMBER: The month started when the grandmother of another friend of mine passed away on the first week. Schoolwork was getting a little hectic for me. My parents weren't too happy I failed Calculus II, and I can't bame them. Every math class up until Pre-Calculus had been all straight A's. Calculus I had been a B. Why did I fail the next class? I distracted myself with my social life too much, I suppose. Dad then informs me an old Spanish teacher of mine is ill. It wasn't any old Spanish teacher. I dare say she was partially responsible for my dream of becoming a writer.
OCTOBER: Wouldn't you know, the teacher died. I wasn't able to attend to her funeral. And then, this kindly old man I befriended the year before is now in intensive care and had his stomach removed due to some sort of failure or something. Two of my friends --the one ones on the same campus as me-- are feuding too. Each comes to me individually to tell me why the other is an awful friend; each comes to me with the sad story of their life. One is tired, the other wants me on his side. I try to play mediator, but things get difficult when it becomes clear that the one who wants me on his side is the one at fault. A good family friend is then diagnosed with cancer, and things just keep getting fun at school.
NOVEMBER: My aunt over at the States is diagnosed with some condition. Don't know what, but she had to extend her stay there for treatment. And the depression keeps settling in. My friends are finally fed up with each other. I've got a lot more classes than them so in my absence, they each find new friends to hang with. Now I'm left doing everything on my own, occasionally meeting with my lab partner, but other than that, I'm my own company now, especially since Mommy and Daddy seem to be way too busy playing a slightly more savage version of cat and dog.
DECEMBER: College drags out until December 20th. With finals, no less. So it's the whole mess of me struggling to pass Tennis class with a good grade, and getting all my stuff ready for Biology and Chemistry finals. Two days after finals, I am told the kindly old man who was on bed after losing his stomach passed away. The next day I am told that they buried the corpse of a man I knew back in Elementary school. I had asked him and his wife to be my godparents for a thing my parents' church celebrates; I'm not sure what's the term in English. They had said yes, but the priest said no because they weren't married by church or something. My godfather that never was died of a disease, spent a lot of time on the brink of dying. I never knew until after he had been buried at the graveyard. Found out two days before Christmas no less, but I figured I shouldn't spoil the holiday feeling. Ye-no... Christmas Eve arrives and everything is noisy around the house with my siblings insistedly arguing and screaming over everything, and Mom and Dad were technically at each other's throats. Late at night, a tremor shook the entire island and almost robbed me of sleep. By now, it was clear 2010 had been nothing but a hellhole year for me. And I wanted it over.
And it was over, finally. Admittedly, 2010 may have been a tad easier to swallow if I tried hleping my mood instead of encouraging it, but I guess I was over my head with the stress. My New Year's resolution, well I typed a couple in a thread, but after much thought, I figure I'll follow Radar's example and work on actually trying to be happy. It's the least I could do for those around me and for myself.
So now 2011 Starts.. I may make another one of these rants and the end of this year.