these are just a few of my deep personal thoughts that I feel like venting if you want to read them then knock yourself out, but this is in no way a cry for help. I just want to vent were no one who lives near me or sees me everyday or could tell people close to me can find it.
why do I have to try? Lifes not like movies or fairy tales. Im not going to magically find some meaning to life or do something important or be a hero so why make me try. Im not going to be a genius im not going to solve anyones problems or meet anyones expectations, so fuck off. Im not going to find love im not going to have friends or meaning so stop telling me I am or it all works out. dont keep me from letting go if you wont help me hold on. Im not stupid I know that im a loser ugly annoying stupid and an outcast so stop telling me im not, id rather be hurt by the truth than protected by a lie. so fuck you I know I have a great life and family that loves me and opportunities people would kill for. I know I wasnt abused or ignored. Im broken regardless With no excuse, and I hate that more than anything. Im broken im worthless, I wont ever do anything right or meaningful in my life, so fuck you, just leave me alone.
I'm an outcast. I'm always that kid. I'm the kid that people hang out with to feel better about themselves, I'm that kid that doesn't lose but never wins. I'm that kid that never fits in, I'm that kid that after 3 months of knowing someone they still don't know my name. I'm that kid that will never have a date. I'm that kid that pours their heart and soul into something and people laugh quietly at me when I present. I'm that kid that girls love to talk to about what guys they think are hot or all the things they do with their boyfriend. I'm that kid that will always try and work as hard as they can even though they know damn well they'll never end up on top or do anything important. I'm that kid that always talks out in class and says smart sarcastic remarks and always try's to make others laugh all the time because I hope someone will think I'm funny and like me. I'm that kid that no one would notice if I disappeared, I'm that kid that comes to school cut up and with so much dried blood on my leg that it still has that dark almost black red color to it, and no one notices. I'm that kid that always does what you want. I'm that kid that works with the teacher on group projects or by myself because no one wants to be my partner. I'm that kid that gets picked last. I'm that kid that sits alone. I'm that kid that always smiles warmly at you when you talk and makes you laugh, but you forget about or leave as soon as something else comes around. I'm that kid that averts their eyes every time you look my way or make eye contact. I'm that kid that suddenly seems important when you need a piece of gum. I'm that kid that's always so awkward and shy. I'm that kid that is to dirty and bad to be innocent or good but to good and moral to be bad and far from normal. I'm that kid that's too smart to be in normal classes but always seems to be one the dumbest kids. I'm that kid that's just never good enough. I'm that kid that gets up and helps you fix or understand what ever is wrong when you get confused or don't know how to fix something. I'm that kid that smiles warmly and ask you what's wrong and if your okay. I'm that kid that listens to every thing you say. I'm that kid you poor out your problems too and tries to help you. I'm that kid that doesn't know how to start a conversation. I'm that kid that no one would notice if I went missing. I'm that kid that no one would look for. I'm that kid. I'm an outcast.
04/08/13- new 3 month record ends
I'm done, I'm done trying to please everyone. I can't be open about my problems and feelings if no one wants to hear them. I can't find answers that don't exist. I can't always be there when I'm wanted and do everything perfectly. I can't get help if no one wants to help me. I can't be told to talk to people of I'm just a nuisance. I can't live that perfect life, I can't see that lie you call me. I can't understand. I can't swim, and no one will teach me but you won't let me sink. I can't take it anymore. I'm done, I was right. I'm going to smile. I'm not going to bother anyone any more. I'm not going to open up. I won't let them see me hurt. I won't let anyone see me fall apart.
I want to hurt. I want to bleed, to slice my self up, to be bruised to be a physical broken as I am mentally. I want for someone to see my pain to scope me up and love me to make it all go away but that's not real. I will carry my burden. I will march until my bones collapse. I want for everyone with their lies and stupidity and hypocrisy to go away. I want to die. I want to shut it all down. To hurt so bad, that everything will stop. I'm broken, and I can't be fixed. I've had enough theres no light in the tunnel just a wall behind me pushing me forward. I hate it. I know I'm being selfish but why can't everyone just let me go. I don't want attention, I don't want more things, I just want to make people happy, to love and protect, to find something that can make the darkness and the hurt go away. I want to be fixed. But no one can do that. No amount of medication or positive thinking can do that. I can't, doctors can't, my family can't, no one can. I have a reason not to die, to keep from hurting those around me, but that's not enough. I need a reason to live.
I'm such a waste. No one gives a fuck about me and I just lie to myself tricking myself reading into things. What's wrong with me. I'm a waste of space and resources. Every breath I take, every drop of water I drink, every bit of food I eat is a crime agianst the universe. Every opportunity i take is a theft from someone else. Every time I don't fake a smile or try to hang out with people I'm being a bad friend. Every time I speak I'm taking time from others. Ever dollar spent on me is money burned. And the worst part is, It's all wasted. Ill never be able to do anything with my life, ill never influence someone, ill never amount to anything, Because I'm a fucking waste. Ill never ask out a girl or make someone happy, Ill never make someone proud of me. Ill never provide for anyone. Ill never make a close friend and keep them and ill never be able do anything to change that. Ill never be more than that kid that always tried to make people laugh. That kid that started cutting again because they realized that they don't have a single damn reason not to. That kid that everyone tries to be nice to so their conscious will be clear. But that's alright, because no matter how hard I try, no one will notice when I disappear. I'm a waste.
A long time ago I decided to stop posting this stuff here. Irs not really the proper place for that kind of thing,so now I post stuff on a tumblr titled "jaded-jacob" so if you like reading my little depressing out burst feel free to check it out