From The Vault

Other Quotes

“	Let's just get this straight, my User Name has NOTHING to do with the Fat Man.	”
—Me, getting pissed

Listener Mail with Frankie the Cab Driver

http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/18.131828#3090033

Enjoy.

Fat Man spoon is in fact exactly what his title suggests; a fat man who has been on occasions known to spoon with people, but not just any people, oh no, he's spooned with the Queen, the President and even the lesser known emperor of Quadrak 6, something about him is just so comfy and reassuring that everyone has an almost supernatural urge to spoon with him, granting him a wide range of political benefits and entitles mostly in the access to comfy beds. Except Gordon Brown, he won't spoon with that guy for anything, he's just got to make it out he's a fat Scottish Cyclops.

D̤̲̣̤̻̺͆ͪ̉̓̆͡Ó̮̫͖̺ͣ́N͎͈͉̼͇͕̹͜'̨̖̱̯̬̠̌ͮ̓̔T̥̹͂͌͢ ̘̭͈̰̅͛̌ͪG̪͕̯̠̲͖͈̀̈́̔̈́̔O̠͂ͥͣ̾͊̂̓ ̭̰̦̓̏͐̈́ͦ͊T̷̠̝͈̮̪̊ͫ͌ͮ̍ͮÕ͓̎ͬͦ͆ ̪̞͙̘̆͆ͅͅT̷̆H̿̄̌̍Ḙ͖̭͙̎̽͗ͤ̋̈́ͭ ̵̭̤̝̜̅̂̋̀̍̈F̦̳̰̙ͨ͜O͓̺ͤͮ̓͌̋R̩̟͈ͩ͒̓͒͂̎̒͞S̭̉́͂ͯ̋ͭ͢A̭̩̙̤̩͓̪̍K̲͓̣̲̦̗̰̔ͦ͂Ë́ͤ͌҉͓̫̻̜̱̞͎N͏ ͭ̓̓̒ͦ̄Rͭ̃̌ͦ̚U̼̯͈̣̔̒̆̃̽́ͅͅỊ̡̤̄ͮͥ̔̆͒Ñ̹̥̯̩͙̱̽̃͢S͇͙̖͍!̯̠̗̞̭̼̈ͫ͟!̠̮̻̫̭͎̿ͩ̃!̞̭̘̜̙̻ͪ̄̈́͌̀!̗̪̂ͦ̈͋̀

Fallout Eleventy: The One and Only

Contents 1 Fallout Eleventy: The One and Only 2 Lord Spoonfield 2.1 Biography 2.2 Notes 2.3 Quotes 2.4 Ostend Soup Recipe 3 Nitpicker 4 Billy Mays 4.1 Biography 4.2 Weapons 4.3 Notes 4.4 Quotes 4.4.1 General 4.4.2 In combat 4.4.3 When defeating a foe 4.4.4 When trading with him 5 Quests 5.1 Holy Bacon! 5.1.1 Svalbard 5.1.2 Your Mission 5.2 Experiment 5.2.1 Appreciation 5.2.2 Preparing the machinery 5.2.3 Connect the Main Transmitter Array 5.3 'Accident' 5.3.1 Back again? 5.3.2 The Plan 5.3.3 Mr. Wolf 5.4 The Brothers Spoonfield 5.4.1 Briefing 5.4.2 After action report 5.5 The M60 5.5.1 The Setup 5.5.2 The Thrill of the Hunt 5.5.3 Maccy 5.6 The Final Piece 5.6.1 Is the damn weapon ready yet? 5.6.2 Graverobbin' 5.6.3 The Return of The Dude 5.6.4 Confrontation 5.6.5 Budding Electrician 5.7 To Kill a Werewolf 5.7.1 That's It? 5.7.2 Wolves... 5.7.3 Plans for the Future 5.7.4 Meryl 5.7.5 Decisions, Decisions 5.8 For Queen and Country 5.8.1 The Face of Evil 5.8.2 Airstrike?! 5.8.3 Did somebody say "anchovies"? 5.8.4 Lateral Thinking 5.8.5 The Wolf Menace 5.8.6 Coup de grâce 5.9 Epilogue

Game Fallout Eleventy developer: Spoonpickers publisher: Nitfield release date: June, 2024 genre: role-playing game modes: Single player ratings: 18 platforms: PC.

Lord Spoonfield

Character Lord Spoonfield III Biography race: English affiliation: Himself role: Experimentor rank: Yes location: Spoonfield Manor family: Father: Lord Spoonfield II Mother: Lady Spoonfield Brother: Matthew Spoonfield Gameplay missions: Holy Bacon! Experiment 'Accident' The Brothers Spoonfield The M60 The Final Piece To kill a Werewolf For Queen and Country Statistics SPECIAL: 4 5 3 6 9 9 10 traits: Lucky Bastard Technical

Biography

Lord Spoonfield was born into great riches, and never had to face the hardships of the wastes. Looking out of the great windows of Spoonfield Manor, he observed the desolation, and at that point, decided to help people. He went on a small expedition out into the wasteland, and gave money and medical supplies to the local settlements. It was then Nitpicker turned up on his doorstep. Spoonfield helped the villages to construct barricades, and gave them weapons and ammo. He offered Nitpicker a place at his manor, and he accepted.

Spoonfield is now one of the leading scientific minds in (What is left of) Great Britain. His priviliged upbringing ment he could build a massive underground laboratory underneath 'Spoonfield Manor'. Blessed by a high Intelligence, and extremely good luck, he has almost completed the recipe for the creation of the most rare and prized thing in the former Kingdom of Great Britain, Cheese. Requiring only a final few ingredients, his work is almost complete. Anyone that has ever shot at him misses, and end up with a bullet lodged in their skull. His bodyguard, one Billy Mays, is the toughest combatent in the wastes, so basically, don't mess, with the Spoonfield.

Notes

• Cross him, and you die.

Quotes

• "Let's not delay. I have an assignment for you, Nitpicker should have more details."
• "Care for some Ostend soup?"
• "Ahhh. The wonders of science."
• "That Werewolf is an idiot. I saw him 'leap-frogging' some sheep!"
• "I do not wish to concern myself with petty matters such as that."
• "By the way, don't pester the scientists. They'll taser you."
• "Some people have asked why I wear a Suit in gunfights. The fact is that it's comfortable, and, Ha, most people don't get the oppotunity to shoot back."
• "Tea, hmm?"
• "Oho! Thought you could best me? Goodbye, you idiot."

Ostend Soup Recipe

Put in some gravy, to make a sieve and pepper, thyme and cook in boiling water or sieve. Fry then until tastes like the oven, or water for two cloves, a small onions, five minutes, or moist it is tender. Take two cloves, and add a pinch of Madeira, one a clear fireproof dish. Garnish the greater part and fins, skin, trimmings of fennel, and serve.

Nitpicker

Character Nitpicker of the Wastes Biography race: Human(ish) affiliation: Lord Spoonfield role: Comidic Situational Adviser location: Spoonfield Manor family: Father: Comber of the Wastes Mother: Puctuation Correcter of the Wastes Gameplay missions: Holy Bacon! Experiment 'Accident' The Brothers Spoonfield The M60 The Final Piece To kill a Werewolf For Queen and Country Statistics SPECIAL: 4 8 4 10 8 5 6 traits: Meticulous Technical

Nitpicker is Spoonfield's assistant. See: this page.

Billy Mays

Biography

Character Billy Mays Biography race: Salesman affiliation: Lord Spoonfield role: Bodyguard location: Spoonfield Manor Gameplay Statistics SPECIAL: 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 derived stats: Hit Points: 5000 → 45000 tag skills: Small Guns: 90 → 100 Barter: 100 Speech:100 Melee Weapons: 80 → 100 (Awesome Auger) level: 100 → 4000 (100 times current player level) Technical dialogue file: [1]

Due to Billy being immortal, after drinking the life essance of Vince Offer, he wandered the ruined world, looting and selling the crap to any passer by. After many years, he found himself at the residence of Lord Spoonfield. Spoonfield saw great potential in him, and took him on as his personal bodyguard. He has resided there ever since.

Weapons

• Awesome Auger
• Bug-Bazooka
• Super Shotgun
• Oxyclean Detergent
• Might Putty
• His Voice, he'll yell at you till you buy something, then your head explodes.

Notes

• He can be recruited as a follower, but only if you pay Lord Spoonfield £7500 and have a Charisma of 10, and have completed the questline.
• He can be traded with, but has a Barter skill of 100.

Quotes

General

• "A clean toilet means a healthier home!"
• "Just push, set, and hang!"
• "Tackle tough Denim, lightning fast, in just one pass!"
• "I love beautiful wood, don't you?"

In combat

• "You don't need a damn cabinet full of cleaners!"
• "Get on the ball!"
• "When I'm up against a wall, that's when Billy Mays performs best!"
• "Kaboom!"

When defeating a foe

• "Whether it's big or small, Billy Mays does it all."
• "That's right!
• "I gaurentee it!"
• "Stop burning and melting!"

When trading with him

• "You know what, rip me off once, shame on me. But twice? I'm coming after you and taking back what's mine."
• "You have nothing to lose but everything to gain!"

Quests

• Holy Bacon!
• Experiment
• 'Accident'
• The Brothers Spoonfield
• The M60
• The Final Piece
• To kill a Werewolf
• For Queen and Country

Holy Bacon!

Quest Holy Bacon! location: The Spoonfield Estate given by: Lord Spoonfield III Nitpicker reward: Access to the Spoonfield Armory £500 150xp leads to: Experiment

"The year is 2342. Much has changed. The Enclave's power is demolished, non-existent. The Brotherhood now controls the North American continent. The Captital Wasteland is no more, its water purified, its land, a lush shade of green. After a bloody spat with the NCR, Brotherhood forces begin to scope out new lands, across the irradiated puddle once known as the Atlantic. Times were good. That was seventeen years ago.

Present day: 2359. Straight back to hell. Brahmin herds are dropping like Bloatflies. A mutated form of Mad Cow has seized the population. Calcium reserves plummet. Kidneys across the world fail. With no milk, no calcium, the people can't survive.

This where we come into play. The British Isles. Mr. Spoonfield, born into a life of luxury and science, is determined to synthesize milk, cheese, and restore the lifeblood of the world. And that's why we need you."

Svalbard

"A tiny, formerly frozen archipelago, to the north. There lies a massive, underground complex, the Armaggeddon Storeroom. Built by U.N. remnants shortly after the organization dissolved, the Storeroom contains records, information dumps, highly sensetive pre-War technologies. And cell samples.

Samples from every organism from before. Lions, tigers, bears, what have you. Even cows. We learned of the Storeroom from dealings with the Brotherhood. They were unable to open the massive container, and left it. We, with a few... uh... "borrowed" Vertibirds, easily opened the thing (regardless of casualties, of course) and grabbed everything that wasn't nailed down.

Then, we encountered a setback. Tribals. Miserable little vermin. On our cozy flight back, they heralded us as "sky-gods" or something, and celebrated as we flew over with bursts of surface-to-air missiles. We lost only one ship, the one with the cow cells, naturally."

Your Mission

"Get in, get the cell samples, and get back. Easier said than done. "The Order of the Holy Bacon", as intelligence has provided, is a real hornet's nest. Founded over three hundred years ago, by a legendary creature with an unusual lust for bacon, they worship the damn stuff. Approximatly half a meter tall, they exhibit a very strange obsession with green things, and often mumble about a "Stone of Blarney". They have massive gold reserves, and eat the testicles of any who enter their domain.

Here's an example.

Your reward will be personally awarded to you from Lord Spoonfield." -Nitpicker

Experiment

Quest Experiment location: The Spoonfield Estate given by: Lord Spoonfield III Nitpicker reward: £500 PPK12 Gauss Pistol Taser 100xp leads to: 'Accident'

Appreciation

"Congratulations on your retrieval of the Bovine Cells. When I heard about you, I knew straight away that you were perfect for this assignment, and look, my confidence has paid off. Here is your fee, and the key to this building's Armory. I trust you will find a use for what is in there, aha. Now, on to the next item of buissness, please, come with me."

Preparing the machinery

"I plan to create a large amount of cows, the type from before the war... please shut the lift door... thank you, going down. What was I saying? Ah yes, this is an extremely delicate procedure, and luckily I had the machines vital for this experiment constructed a few weeks ago. Ah here we are, come on."

"Of course, the machines aren't connected to the Manor's power supply, so it's your job to do just that. Then, make your way back here for further instructions. Get to it."-Spoonfield

Connect the Main Transmitter Array

"All you need to do is take this thing, and plug it in the main podium. Simple, isn't it?"-Nitpicker

"Yeah. What's the catch?"-The Player Character

"Uh... okay, there's something crawling around down there. I've already lost twelve techies, and more importantly, a very expensive PPK12 Gauss Pistol! You're welcome to it if you find it. Now, get going! We have cows to replicate."-Nitpicker

'Accident'

Quest 'Accident' location: The Spoonfield Estate given by: Lord Spoonfield III Nitpicker reward: £750 Room in Spoonfield Manor 500xp leads to: The Brothers Spoonfield

Fallout 3 weapon name? Attack statistics dmg/attack: damage? DPS: damage? attacks/sec: attackshots/sec? Criticals crit dmg: critdmg? crit chance: x crit%mult? Other skill: skill? AP: ap? item HP: hp? repair: repair? weight: weight? value: value? base id: baseid?

Back again?

"Ah, salutations good sir, you did a marvolous deed that day. The Scientists have knocked together this contraption for your use, they call it the 'Tea-Flamer', and may explain where my tea reserves have been going, hmm? Anyway, I have a matter that requires your... 'Unique' skills in explosives."

The Plan

"They is a man out there, named 'Mr. Wolf', and it has come to my attention that he has put a price on the heads of me, you, Nitpicker and my guard, Billy Mays. Actually, I don't believe the two of you have met. Billy! Come here! Say hello to our friend, Billy." -Lord Spoonfield

"HI, BILLY MAYS HERE FOR LORD SPOONFIELD! TH..." -Billy Mays

"Yes, quite enough Billy. Back to the matter at hand. I need you to stop this buffoon before he tries anything. Nitpicker and a few of the Techies have developed a new weapon, he calls it the 'Dogmeat Laser'. I have no-idea what it is, but he seems quite excited about it. In short, I need you to burn Wolf Manor to the ground, scorched earth. But it must look like an accident, you hear me?" -Lord Spoonfield

Mr. Wolf

"I've compiled some specs on the bastard. He's a werewolf, a half-man, half-wolf hybrid. That means his mom got frisky with a dog. Werewolfs are usually man, but become beasts under the light of a full moon. Luckily for us, they have plenty of weaknesses. On the human side is the uncontrolable lust for bacon, and on the dog side, mailmen. Myths from before suggest they have a weakness to silver, a soft, valuable metal that has likely not survived the war."

"I'm persuing leads into silver now, but you'll need a distraction... Mr. Spoonfield?" -Nitpicker

"I authorize the use of the 'Dogmeat Laser' if that's what you mean, Nitpicker." -Lord Spoonfield

"What? Oh, that thing. No, I mean "The Mailman"." -Nitpicker

"Are you sure, you do remember what happened last time..." -Lord Spoonfield

"Dangerous times call for desperate measures. Very desperate, in this case." -Nitpicker

"Yes, indeed. Why are you still here, boy? Don't you have a Manor to torch?" -Lord Spoonfield

The Brothers Spoonfield

Quest The Brothers Spoonfield location: The Spoonfield Estate given by: Lord Spoonfield III Nitpicker reward: £1000 600xp leads to: The M60

Weapon name? Attack statistics dmg/attack: damage? DPS: damage? attacks/sec: attackshots/sec? Criticals crit dmg: critdmg? crit chance: x crit%mult? Other skill: skill? AP: ap? item HP: hp? repair: repair? weight: weight? value: value? base id: baseid?

Briefing

"...Smells like charcoal... Oh, you're back! Good. We've got your next target. His name is Mr. 75. He's Mr. Wolf's brother. If you can kill him, it'll draw Wolfy out of the woodwork. And then... we strike!" -Nitpicker

"Excellent idea Nitpicker, you tell me you know his location? And what is the status of Mr.Wolf?" -Lord Spoonfield

"Well... uh... Werewolfs are invulnerable to fire. We just burned down the house to piss him off. It seemed like a good idea. Draw him out of hiding, then kill him with my "Secret Weapon X". -Nitpicker

"Is that another one of your 'side projects', Nitpicker?" -Lord Spoonfield

"..." -Nitpicker

"Nitpicker? I don't pay you for 'side projects', but I'll overlook it this time, so please, do tell." -Lord Spoonfield

"Okay. Secret Weapon X is a highly destructive weapon, currently in prototypical stages. It's not ready yet. But, I can give you this. Use it to kill Mr. 75. That should buy us some time. Don't lose it. It's... uh... sentimental." -Nitpicker

"Mr. 75 is only 1/4 wolf, so he isn't as tough as his brother. The complex he is hiding in is well guarded, and there are many traps in place. He's probably got the whole base on alert, due to the attack on his brother. Now, get to it, unless there is anything more you wish to share, Nitpicker?" -Lord Spoonfield

"On the night of the quarter moon... not as much ring to it. Oh, right. Uh... don't forget to kill everyone. Everyone. If this doesn't enrage Mr. Wolf, nothing will." -Nitpicker

"You are welcome to take anything you can carry out of there. And if you're worried about civilian casualties, just remember, it was their choice." -Lord Spoonfield

After action report

"Welcome back. I trust your mission was successful? But it doesn't matter anymore, we have learnt that Mr.Wolf doesn't give a ha'pence about his brother. But, here's your payment anyway... wait, whats that, in your pocket? Let me see. Good God... this is the Spoonfield Family Symbol... me and my brother were the only ones to hav...my god, he's dead, isn't he?" -Lord Spoonfield

"He was working for Mr.75. He shot first, if it means anything to you." -Player Character.

"Yes, well, he made a lot of bad choices in his lifetime. Damn fool! I wish he could have just kept out of trouble." -Lord Spoonfield

"Excellent. Now we need you to head all the way back there and... oh, did he bleed on you? Good. Your clothes. Give them to me. Now." -Nitpicker

<Meryl's Desert-5 removed.>

The M60

Quest The M60 location: The Spoonfield Estate given by: Lord Spoonfield III Nitpicker reward: £600 400xp leads to: The Final Piece

Character Maccy Man Biography race: Reject affiliation: The Trolls role: Forum annoyance rank: Extreme location: His Mom's basement Gameplay missions: The M60 Statistics SPECIAL: 1 1 1 1 -1 1 1 traits: Annoying Prick Retarded Bastard Technical

Character Maccy Man's Mother Biography race: Troll Momma affiliation: The Trolls role: Producing trolls rank: Extreme location: A seaside village, to the south Gameplay missions: The M60 Statistics SPECIAL: 7 2 8 1 -1 4 3 traits: She'll whup yer ass. Technical

The Setup

"This is Maccy Man, the epitome of stupid. He keeps preaching about some strange weapon called an "M60", which, through the power of a "special disk", he has somehow managed to bring to this world. He's out of his damn mind. But, if we could procure that M60, Secret Weapon X would become a reality. We sent someone after him long ago, but they never came back. More importantly, we ended up losing the only Comma Assault Rifle we have. Find Maccy, and kill him." -Nitpicker

"That Comma Assault Rifle is one of the most powerful weapons we've ever seen, literally firing commas, it has been seen that it can take down a Troll in 3 seconds. That is what makes it so distressing that the first explorer never returned. You have already proven your worth in combat, so you should walk without fear." -Lord Spoonfield

The Thrill of the Hunt

"Maccy Man is an idiot, a paranoid idiot, thinking that people are after that M60. We have no idea where he is, but, it's likely he would remain with his own kind. Trolls. Normally, this would have you checking every forum board and bridge underside in the country, but we've narrowed it down to one location: Troll hEven. Their spelling, not mine. Maccy Man's mother lives in a quaint little seaside village, to the south. Find her, and search her basement."

Be warned. Maccy Man's mother is over 100 years old, and is an expert in hand-to-hand combat, CQC, jujitsu, and pie baking. She'll tear your eyes out, if you don't by looking at her. If do you find the lifeless husk of that Norway guy, bring back the Comma Assault Rifle. It could be adapted for Secret Weapon X." -Nitpicker

"The more I think about about it, the less I believe that the Norwegian was killed. My opinion is that he simply simply took our payment of the rifle and the copatios amount of Anchovies, and absconded. It is well known however, that he is the Archenemy of Maccy Man, and is most likely still in the area, looking for an oppotunity to strike. Do remember, Troll hEven is full of those filthy creatures. Also, be extremely wary of his Mother, see may 'Whup yer ass'." -Lord Spoonfield

Maccy

"Hello, Nykkel lays her name is unique and a friend. For more of... MARY BRISCOLL! It’s a cigarette? Nykkel Humphry... Are you for I am in his material, without ground and reads and laugh at the structure of free-thinking. I’ve noticed tangled wire. All set in her husband and blinks happily. Here me? Eyeglance is just a very fluid. It can’t be bugged. Soon returns to be so girlish green gem at the Bomb. The dark ways seemingly infallible information? Bookshrine of the background when Bianca the same in love life. By our, I see, is deluciously good." -Maccy Man

"Uh, what?" -Player character

It is imagination. ES, where James himself some. Some people have missed each other. Madly in his gaze into some plants in every bare breasted bodyguards serving the rosy weather, & handed spiral and Wintja rises from them all sweaty from my sweetly told me just feeling as we have to the closest of the bar. I smile at the stone lion. We smoke near the welcome act outside time counting. Calendar running quantum di-hybridal spacial encompassing chat room shines all I will know this. And the, so thoughtful of words my shades." -Maccy Man

"Yeah. Sure." -Player character

"Rumors abound that is still lit? Or is it an unaffected arrow? Also openvent formerly called UFO surrounded in a straight leg of The rosy petals, frosty and stop me! (He laughs.) A black river. A delirium of meadowland, with half walls and disappear without being apparently intelligent birds and pose. You can make telephones and space for now are embroidered on all across the teapot opening." -Maccy Man

Maccy is shot repeatedly.

The Final Piece

Quest The Final Piece location: The Spoonfield Estate given by: Lord Spoonfield III Nitpicker reward: 1000xp The sight of AngryNorwegianDude leads to: To Kill a Werewolf

Is the damn weapon ready yet?

"Almost. We need one final bit. We have the genetic makeup of a werewolf, the mad ramblings of an idiot condensed into a weapon, a shitload of commas, and a nearly functioning suit of Spoonfield Power Armor. All we need, all that stands in the way of cheese, is the essence of one who will die for what they believe in. Myths are terribly vague. And no, you don't have to piss in a cup."

"We need... anchovies. Without these holy fish, the Secret Weapon X is nigh useless. They comprise the essence of the greatest Troll hunter in the land. He has no name and was the one who took the damn Comma Rifle. Find his anchovies. Without them, the world will never be the way it should. Full of cheese." -Nitpicker

"Nitpicker is right. Find this man. Take his anchovies, and bring them here. We can't take down Mr.Wolf without this weapon. Life, as we know it, depends on your actions at this point. Nitpicker, do we have an idea of his general location?" -Lord Spoonfield

"Uh... Maybe Norway?" -Nitpicker

"Oh good lord. Wait, I have an idea! He is the enemy of Maccy, right?" -Lord Spoonfield

"Right." -Nitpicker

"And Maccy's dead now, right?" -Lord Spoonfield

"Yes." -Nitpicker

"And what do people do when their archenemy is dead? -Lord Spoonfield

"Throw a keg party? I don't know!" -Nitpicker

"No, they 'teabag' the corpse." -Lord Spoonfield

"Dammit Spoonfield! We need anchovies, not crabs! I'm a scientist, not a miracle worker." -Nitpicker

"You don't understand. If we can get the corpse here, he will come to... um, 'celebrate'. Therefore, we will have him here, with no expensive trips to Norway. Think things through, Nitpicker." -Lord Spoonfield

"<Grumble>." -Nitpicker

"Oh look, I accidently increased your pay by 50%. Silly me." -Lord Spoonfield

Graverobbin'

"Ugh. Why did you bring the half-rotten bag of maggots INTO THE CONFERENCE ROOM?!" -Nitpicker

"Alright Nitpicker, now, we wait. I hope that stain comes out..." -Lord Spoonfield

"THE STAIN COMES RIGHT OUT IF YOU USE KABOOM!!!" -Billy Mays

"Enough, Billy. We need to be quiet".

The Return of The Dude

"It is getting colder. It is a true sign of proximity to Him. -Lord Spoonfield

"Interesting. What is this being, anyway? And why the anchovies?" -Nitpicker

"Some say he is half Norwegian, half angry. This could have been the case, but apparently he is a Viking Ninja too. One can assume he eats anchovies because..." -Lord Spoonfield

Suddenly, all light disappears from Spoonfield Manor. Lord Spoonfield lights a match.

"Blast! He cut the power!" -Lord Spoonfield

"Shit! And that means... NOOO!" -Nitpicker

Two thick blast doors slam shut in front of Maccy's body, separating him from Lord Spoonfield and his group.

"Nitpicker... Who puts blast doors in a conference room?!? That doesn't matter now! You! (turns towards the player character) You have to uphold him while we get the power grid up and running again!"-Lord Spoonfield

Confrontation

As you approach Maccy's body, you notice a tall figure standing beside it. Due to the darkness, it is impossible to make out any features, except that the person is heavily armed and smells like cod.

"Du er leiesoldaten, ikke sant? Jeg ventet deg." - The Angry Norwegian Dude

"Sorry, I forgot my Norwegian parlor. Step away from the body. Now." - player character

"Jeg tror ikke det jeg hører... Truer du meg? Du må være dummere enn Maccy. Gå din vei før jeg får lyst til å skade deg." - The Angry Norwegian Dude

"English, motherfucker! Do you speak it?" - player character

"Ta deg en bolle." - The Angry Norwegian Dude

You draw your combat knife and run towards the figure, but as you try to stab him, an arm lunges out and blocks the attack. A sickening crunch is heard as the figure spins around, breaks your fingers with a punch, and topples you over.

"Og DET er grunnen til at du ikke skal kødde med en nordmann. Du er "virkelig" god til å "slåss", altså! Jeg "skjelver" i buksene mine! " - The Angry Norwegian Dude

"Aaaaaaaaagh! Sarcasm! It burns!" - player character

As you pass out, the Angry Norwegian Dude slowly walks towards the body again

Budding Electrician

"Damn it! Why didn't you stop him? Maccy's body has been teabagged! You have failed to meet my expectations!"-Lord Spoonfield

"He... used... Sarcasm..." -Player character

"Oh. Sarcasm. An ancient weapon of war! How did he...? Wait! What is that on your chest?" -Nitpicker

"My word... That glowing, smelly compound can only be one thing: It is Lutefisk! Marvelous. We don't need the Comma Assault Rifle now. Or the anchovies. This is perfect! Let's just hope the compound is not too unstable... Patch up, and wait to receive further orders."- Lord Spoonfield

To Kill a Werewolf

Quest To Kill a Werewolf location: The Spoonfield Estate given by: Lord Spoonfield III Nitpicker reward: 500xp Secret Weapon X leads to: For Queen and Country

That's It?

"Yes, that's it. Secret Weapon X. Now, all you need to do is..." -Nitpicker

Nitpicker slumps forward in his chair, a dart sticking out of his neck.

"Whoa! What the hell?" -Lord Spoonfield

"Meryl..." -Nitpicker's dying breath

"Wait, what's that? STOP! INTRUDER!" -Lord Spoonfield

Spoonfield fires three shots at a shadow, and an audible thump is heard

"Holy shit! What was that? Quick, take Nitpicker down to the Medical bay! I'll sort out this... thing." -Lord Spoonfield

Wolves...

"Sir, it seems to be some kind of mutated wolf, with opposible thumbs... also, note this strange headset." -Medical Officer

"<sigh> Obviously Mr. Wolf's doing. More importantly, what is Nitpicker's status?" -Lord Spoonfield

"Dead as a dodo, sir. He died painlessly..." -Medical Officer

"Dodo's... there were cells for them in the bunker... er, ahem. Right. Yes. Take that damn dart out of his neck, at least. The man deserves some dignity. <turns to player character> The plan was for you to take out Wolfy with Secret Weapon X, but Nitpicker was the only one who knew how it worked! There must be some plans in his room, go up there and find them. Take... er... Steve over there." -Lord Spoonfield

Plans for the Future

Character Nitpicker of the Wastes Biography race: Human(ish) affiliation: Lord Spoonfield role: Comidic Situational Adviser Brain in a Jar location: Spoonfield Manor family: Father: Comber of the Wastes Mother: Puctuation Correcter of the Wastes Gameplay missions: To Kill a Werewolf For Queen and Country Statistics SPECIAL: 0 8 0 10 8 0 6 traits: Meticulous, Immobility Technical

You waltz into Nitpicker's quarters, fully expecting the plan to kill Mr. Wolf and save the world to be completly screwed. As you pass by a desk, the top flips around, scaring you, and soiling your pants. Place Brain Here is written on it, and an arrow points to a small impression.

"Okaaay... I was not expecting that, to tell the truth..." -Steve

"Whoa, this is some pretty high-tech stuff! How do you think he kept it hidden from Lord Spoonfield?" -Player character

"However he did it, we gotta tell Spoonfield. Oh, he'll like this!" -Steve

The player and Steve proceed back down to the Lab

"Did you find the plans? So quickly, as well." -Lord Spoonfield

"No, but we did find something that might interest you." -Steve

"I am intrigued. Please, lead the way." -Lord Spoonfield

"We may want to... er, bring Nitpicker along..." -Player Character

"The plot thickens." -Lord Spoonfield

The three rush into Nitpicker's quarters, his cadaver pulled behind them.

"The hell is this?" -Lord Spoonfield

A Robobrain trundles out from the shadows.

"Greetings, Lord Spoonfield... and guests. My designation is M3R-Y1." -Meryl

Meryl

Character Meryl Biography race: Robobrain affiliation: Nitpicker role: Loveable Robot Girlfriend location: Spoonfield Manor Gameplay missions: To Kill a Werewolf For Queen and Country Statistics SPECIAL: 2 8 4 10 8 3 7 traits: Meticulous Gifted Technical

"I take it you know how the brain thing here works?" -Steve

A ripper extends from one of her arms.

"Affirmative. You may wish to vacate the room." -Meryl

The three exit swiftly, as a sickening crunch echoes through the halls.

Fifteen minutes later...

"The procedure is complete. Please enter." -Meryl

Nitpicker's bloody corpse lays in a corner, his head scalped and empty. His brain is encased in a jar, submerged in a clear fluid. A computer screen to the left lights up in an electric orange, and Nitpicker's jittery voice filters through the speakers.

"Thanks, Meryl." -Nitpicker

"Of course, honey. I'd smile, but..." -Meryl

"Okay, I thought I said something about the "honey" while I'm working... Spoony! Damn, it certainly has been a long time! I assume that you're here about the Secret Weapon X, right? You need to power it with the electro-static charge of silver. Plug some silver into the barrel, and pull the trigger. Bam!" -Nitpicker

"Nitpicker... how... how did you build this? It truly is a marval of Engineering and Science!" -Lord Spoonfield

"It's a long story. And don't you guys have a werewolf to kill, seeing as I'm already dead?... Oh, and it's "she", not "it"." -Nitpicker

"No, I mean the 'Brain Curio' thing." -Lord Spoonfield

"When you've been running from this line of work for as long as we have, you prepare for every possible outcome. Of course, I really miss having legs. Meryl's got her treads, but I'm stuck in this jar... Anyway, go kill the werewolf. I have many systems to calibrate." -Nitpicker

"Yes, silver. A while back you said you were searching up leads on silver. I trust your research was successful?" -Lord Spoonfield

"Nope. Silver's too soft to survive in nuclear conditions without some sort of molding process... Wait, can I see that symbol you plucked from Matthew?" -Nitpicker

"Yeah sure, just put it on the tray here?" -Lord Spoonfield

"Scans indicate a 65.3% silver to waste ratio." -Meryl

"Marvelous! Mind if we burn this beyond recognition?... For the good of the planet, of course." -Nitpicker

"By all means, please proceed. Matthew won't be needing it anymore..." -Lord Spoonfield

Decisions, Decisions

"The weapon is calibrated. Live fire tests are not advised. Please direct barrel at werewolf." -Meryl

A massive roar rocks the side of the building, windows shattering, foundations groaning in response.

"Dammit! He's here! This wasn't part of the plan!" -Nitpicker

At that moment the devious bastard kicked through a door

"Miss me?"-Mr.Wolf

For Queen and Country

Quest For Queen and Country location: The Spoonfield Estate given by: Lord Spoonfield III Nitpicker reward: 2000 xp Cheese

The Face of Evil

"Meryl! Enact security protocol kappa! You, with broken fingers, get the weapon!" -Nitpicker

"Do not bother....ive already set 14 Body-Wired bombs to this place...you kill me...and i drag you all to hell(Evil Laugh)And now for the best part."

Mr Wolf begins glowing...then disappears..and reappears in human form

"Makes me invulnerable to silver now....(Evil Laugh...again)"-Mr.Wolf

"You! What do have against us? What did we ever do to you? Huh?" -Lord Spoonfield

"Nothing...but your ancestoors hunted my race to exctinction...scouring us from the world...i am the last of my kind...and im here for revenge."-Mr.Wolf

"Revenge? Revenge?! For something that happened over 500 years ago?! You fool! You idiot! I should have killed you when I had the chance, all those years ago... " -Lord Spoonfield

"Here's your damn chance Spoon! Not even werewolves can withstand troll stupidity!" -Nitpicker, as Meryl trundles out the door with his brain

"Muahahahah.....fail.....i can withstand trolls...my brother was one...your feeble attempts make me laugh"-Mr.Wolf

"Lutefisk, dammit!" reverberates through the walls, as Nitpicker shouts while fleeing.

"No, no. He must know the truth. I wasn't sure before... but that face... it's unforgettable." -Lord Spoonfield

"Stalling eh?Muahahahahaha This is one example why your ancestors didnt have the balls to clear out the cave 500 miles below this manor"-Mr.Wolf

"Thirty years ago, I found you lying in a ditch, soaking wet, with claw wounds all down your flank. A dead wolf was lying a little off from you, ripped to shreads. The blood on your claws told the story." -Lord Spoonfield

"Am i supposed to care?If i am...then im failling severely"-Mr.Wolf

"You killed your own kind, Wolf. You can't say there is nothing wrong with that, and if you do, you sir, are a hypocrite." -Lord Spoonfield

"I may have killed my own kind...but THOSE wolfs were in question...pathetic idiots.not worthy of anything...i woulda left them alone...but they HAD to go and kill my mother and father....it may have been genocide...but genocide is the only way to win something"-Mr.Wolf

"No, Wolf. They were your Mother and Father." -Lord Spoonfield

"Good for them.......Sorry spoonfield but you must not have met someone of my type....i care for nothing.....my immortality and regenration capabilitys allow me infinite power....and the amount of times ive been betrayed and screwed over has changed me into what i am now....i even help manipulate something...without my prowess.You wouldnt have been able to find that lukefisk...or the norway guy thing...."-Mr.Wolf

"You surprise me, Wolf. I had always thought you a decent chap. And now trying to throw me off guard with these pathetic stories? Hahaha. But, I'll humor you. Please, do tell." -Lord Spoonfield

"HA!you thought I was a decent chap?Im the motherfucker that kills babies for fun you idiot"-Mr.Wolf

"I came to expect that from you. You lived up those expectations. Now, please, your story of manipulation." -Lord Spoonfield

"Simple...i used my grandfathers ol'Brainwave manipulator to manipulate many things....including THIS bitches death."-MR.Wolf

"Your mad, Wolf. You think you hold absolute power, but you don't. You are flawed, a mutant, a MONGREL. You are no better than a dog." -Lord Spoonfield

"Say's the demented man who believes that cheese will hold any significane in the world....that the patheic advertisement man named billy mays is a good bodyguard.....hmmmph...you make me laugh spoonfield....but enough off this squabling....i initiated an air strike n the manor....you have 5 minutes to make your escape....as for us...we'll meet again"-Mr.wolf

Mr.Wolf then disappears

Airstrike?!

"He's bluffing. He knew he couldn't win. So he tried to scare us. However, I have a plan..." -Lord Spoonfield

Spoonfield pulls out an un-opened tin of anchovies

The intercom crackles and sputters, before eventually turning on.

"Spoonfield, are you sure about this? I don't think the bunker can take it. How do we know he'll even show up? We're all going to die, aren't we? Crap, this was not in the plans... " -Nitpicker

"Nitpicker, we never planned to lose the cells, but we recovered. We never planned for you to die, but you recovered. Sticking exactly to the plan never helped anyone. And in regards to his appearance, it is said that he travels the globe, searching for anchovies, he can smell them from over 500 miles away. Please Nitpicker, trust me on this." -Lord Spoonfield

"Okay. Okay... Goodbye, Meryl. I love you." -Nitpicker begins to sob and panic... well, as well as a disembodied brain can try to convey emotions.

Did somebody say "anchovies"?

Suddenly, a dust cloud appears on the horizon. As it comes closer, it is clear that the dust cloud is not something, but someone. The angels cry as the Angry Norwegian Dude runs up to the battlefield that Spoonfield manor has become.

"Flott kjenningsmelodi, hva?" - The Angry Norwegian Dude

"For the sake of Sega Genesis, this is not the time! Speak English!" - Lord Spoonfield

"OK, then. Let me guess: A mad, regenerating, immortal werewolf is here for revenge, and he has launched an airstrike, as well as rigged the manor with bombs?" - The Angry Norwegian Dude

"...Correct. How did you know?" - Nitpicker of the Wastes

"Yahoo Answers. I take the can of anchovies is the pay? Good. Now, I can deal with the airstrike, but you smart-asses have to deal with the whole "immortal werewolf" thing. I think they killed an immortal gal in X-Men 2 with adamantium, or some shit." - The Angry Norwegian Dude

"Wait. Who deals with the rigged bombs?" - Lord Spoonfield

"I already have. I had to eat something before I helped you out, right?" - The Angry Norwegian Dude

"You are able to eat fucking explosives?" - Nitpicker

"It is better than lutefisk, trust me. Besides, bombs taste like spicy meatballs or something. With an explosive aftertaste. Har har har." - The Angry Norwegian Dude

"Enough with the food-based puns! How will you deal with a fucking air strike, you twat?" -Steve

"You dare insult my food based puns? MY FIRE BE PURGED!!!" - The Angry Norwegian Dude

As his eyes begin to glow bright blue, the Angry Norwegian Dude raises a finger. A flash is seen as Steve turns into ash.

"The Finger of the Mountain, bitch. Suck on that!" - The Angry Norwegian Dude

"I guess that answers the question, don't it? To the conference room! We don't have much time!" - Lord Spoonfield

"...I'll just stay here in the bunker, then. Let's see what we can do about your right gyro-servo, eh Meryl?" -Nitpicker

Lateral Thinking

Weapon name? Attack statistics dmg/attack: damage? DPS: damage? attacks/sec: attackshots/sec? Criticals crit dmg: critdmg? crit chance: x crit%mult? Other skill: skill? AP: ap? item HP: hp? repair: repair? weight: weight? value: value? base id: baseid?

"Alright people, the threat of Mr.Wolf and his airstrike have come to our doorstep. The Dude is dealing with the airstrike, and it is up to us to defeat the foul Wolf. An idea I came up with a while back may just help us. Doctor, is it ready?" -Lord Spoonfield

"Yes, my lord." Doctor Y

"Good, send in... The Dodo!" -Lord Spoonfield

The conference doors burst open, and a strange bird-like thing trundles in. It squarks.

"This, friends, is the Dodo. Created from some cells we found in Svalbard. Don't touch it, it has a tendancy to, er... explode. It is a most powerful weapon, detonation creates a massive shockwave and engulfs anything nearby in flame. What do you think?" -Lord Spoonfield

Another screen turns orange. Doctor Y presses a few keys, and a three dimensional replica of Nitpicker's head appears on-screen.

"The Mark 16 Krimson BlastBot, with a few minor modifications. A stun compound has been mixed into the Composite 4 charge. One wiff of the stuff, along with the massive physical trauma, should put Wolf out like a light. Proceed to blast him with Secret Weapon X, and the world will be short one werewolf." -Nitpicker

"The Mark 16 Krimson BlastBot maximum range exceeds two decameters. Use excess fuse time to vacate area. " -Meryl

"Yes, unfortunatly, Mr.Wolf has a tendancy to 'regenerate', and as we know, is immune to silver. However, this building has a Cryogenic Freezer down in the sub-sub basement. We will have approximitly 10 minutes to move him there. That is, of course it doesn't kill him outright, but it's better to be safe than dead." -Lord Spoonfield

The Wolf Menace

Mr.Wolf stands on the main lawn of Spoonfield Manor, grinning at the destruction around him, savouring the moment before the missiles arrive. Unbeknownst to him, the Norwegian was putting his plan into affect...

"You'd better say your goodbyes,Spoony,'cause in a few seconds,this place will be nothing but a bad memory..." - Mr. Wolf

"Ah, the generic evil banter. It sure brings me back..." - The Angry Norwegian Dude

"Who the hell are you? Some kind of gay Viking?" - Mr. Wolf

"I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear that, your furry twat. I am the Angry Norwegian Dude. Normally, I wouldn't mind aggressive conversations with anthropomorphic werewolves, but right now I have a job to do. Step aside." - The Angry Norwegian Dude

"Hmmm... youre the forum troll hunter? I thought you were taller..." - Mr. Wolf

"I get that a lot. Now, if you could please express your evil banter someplace else, it would be nice. That missile strike won't repel itself, you know." - The Angry Norwegian Dude

"WAIT... Missile strike? Are you Spoonys hired goon?" - Mr. Wolf

"I prefer the term mercenary, but yes." - The Angry Norwegian Dude

"Oh no. Nononononono. Averting my missile strike? ain't going to happen. Prepare to die." - Mr. Wolf

"Hmmm... A generic battle between good and evil? Well, if that's the best you can do, then get on with it." - The Angry Norwegian Dude

Mr. Wolf pulls out a MIRV and points it at the Angry Norwegian Dude, who is remarkably calm while facing death.

"Before you kill me; Did you know your rigged bombs tasted like Turkish meatballs?" - the Angry Norwegian Dude

"Why,yes. I thought i was the only one who noticed. I try to put small jokes and puns in every evil creation i make,but no-one finds them funny. I wonder why;I think they are hilarious." - Mr. Wolf

"Weird. I thought that was hilarious. I mean, that is the heaviest afterburner I've ever gotten from Turkish meatballs." - The Angry Norwegian Dude

"Right. hilarious is the word. Now,about that: Any last words?" - Mr. Wolf

"Indeed. GO GET IT, BOY! GO GET IT!" - The Angry Norwegian Dude

The Angry Norwegian Dude pulls a cookie jar out from one of his pockets, and flings it in the general direction of the Capital Wasteland. The cookie jar lobs over Spoonfield Manor and disappears in the horizon.

"OH NO! Cookies,my only weakness,combined with a fetch game! I can't hold back... ARF! ARF! AROOO! ME CAN HAS COOKIE!" - Mr. Wolf

Mr. Wolf starts running in the general direction of the Capital Wasteland, with drool hanging from his mouth.

"Finally. Now, time to get to work. This one is for you, Gandalf: YOU SHALL NOT PAAAAASS!!!" - The Angry Norwegian Dude

Bright blue lightning erupts from The Dude and forms a shield over Spoonfield Manor. The missiles run into the barrier and explodes, but no damage is done to the surroundings.

"Hell, don't ask me to do THAT again. I have earned those anchovies, that's for sure.." - The Angry Norwegian Dude

Wolf reappears from behind the dude and takes his leg off

"Epic fail...your forgetting...im a master of deception.......i dont even like cookies...prepare to die"-Mr.Wolf

Wolf slices the dude apart then recalls the missile strike

"Ah yes.....the bigass explosion...brings me back"-Mr.Wolf

Wolfs radio turns on

"Uh sir...its gonna take an hour for us to arrive and bomb this place"-Jet piolot

"What!Im gonna fuck-Forget it...ill ahnilate this place myself"-Mr.Wolf

As the Wolf walks away, The Angry Norwegian Dude slowly rises. Suddenly, he is healthy again: His leg is OK, but he looks a bit grumpy.

"Luckily, I had an autosave... But Bother This Nonsense! This quest is too badly rewarded. I'm heading back to Norway. Spoonfield can save his own ass." - The Angry Norwegian Dude

Wolf looks back at him...walks away and while he's still walking...throws a grenade at him and watches The dude go back to norway....in pieces......He then walks to the manor and kills the power....taking out the lighting

"Time for Payback...Bitch"-Mr.Wolf

Coup de grâce

"Good lord, The Dude got killed again. No, wait, he still has autosave. Oh gods he's leaving! And without his full payment to! If only he knew my machine was mass-replicating Anchovies for the past hour. Nitpicker, prepare The Dodo. Meryl, load your gun. You, with broken fingers, take Secret Weapon X and lets go get ourselves a Wolf Hide!" -Lord Spoonfield

Wolf kicks through a wall in his human form and shoots randomly...he misses a lot of people...but destroys secret weapon x and badly cripples Meryl

"THATS all.....pathetic i was hoping for a challenge"Mr.Wolf

"Integrated AEP6s failing. Intializing escape protocol." -Meryl

"Damn! The Dodo is still in the conference room in the bunker! What do we do?!" -Nitpicker

"Surrender and ill give you a painless death...but just fight me...then i get to tear you apart...oh and my assitants along with a robotic Mr.75 destroyed the dodo...you have nothing to use against me...and to spice things up...i initiated the reactor meltdown...me an' you will be going to hell in a big ol'radioactive explosion...well...you will anyway...my survival suit and my wolfish abilities will save me"-Mr.Wolf

Spoonfield pulls out a katana and slices off Wolf's head in one swift movement.

"Goodnight, Wolfy." -Lord Spoonfield

Wolf's head regenarates

"Is that all....your forgetting i cn regenrate all of my body parts...even my balls and head"-Mr.Wolf

"Meryl... you know what to do. I... I'm sorry." -Nitpicker

"I know." -Meryl

Meryl tackles Wolf, pinning him under her metal torso. A slim hypodermic extends from her arm, and rams into Wolf's neck. He howls in agony, silver permiating his bloodstream. The building groans, the reactor reaching critical mass. Spoonfield, the hero, and Doctor Y sprint for the exit, Nitpicker's brain in tow.

"MERYL!" -Nitpicker

The building explodes, and our heros are thrown clear.

Epilogue

The twisted hulk of Spoonfield manor in flame lights up the evening sky, Wolf is seen stumbling across the roof, and falls the three stories onto a convieniently placed spike.

"Did we... did we win?" -Doctor Y

A resurrected Mr.75 appears

"It appears you did....dont worry i aint here for revenge"-Mr.75

"Meryl... Was it worth it?" -Nitpicker

"He was badly crippled...she woulda died anyway......at least she died for a good cause"-Mr.75

"But... all those years of research. All those cell samples... and... Meryl..." -Nitpicker rolls off, determined to make sense of the situation.

"Right....Wheres Spoony?I need to congratulate him on defeating my brother who set me up for assasination"-Mr.75

Lord Spoonfield is sobbing on his knees a little way off...

"My fucking manor... *sob* My godamn HOUSE!" -Lord Spoonfield

"Quit being a bitch...you can have Wolf's manor as a hosue and trophy"-Mr.75

Mr.75 Throws Spoony the keys to Wolf's Manor

"Wait, isn't it a fucking smoking hole in the ground?" -Lord Spoonfield

"Now...Lets go"-Mr.75

"But what about the samples... the research? What are we going to do?" -Lord Spoonfield

"Well I prepared for any disaster." -Doctor Y

Y pulls out an Anchovie tin, peels back the lid and reveals a sample of cells, and a small piece of cheese

"Well I'll be damned, good work man! You, you friend. The one who helped me through this darkest of times... I want you to have it. The Cheese." -Lord Spoonfield

The heroes walk away...

The screen fades to black. The credits roll.

"Meryl..."